A query

We all love our kids. Well, I hope we all love our kids, 'cuz, uh, we're supposed to and everything. I don't expect anyone to love my kids as much as I do, nor do I expect anyone to think my kids are as great as I do.

My question is this: What is the limit of professing adoration for my kids achievements to others? On the flip side of that, how's the most tactful way of getting a pedestal parent to shut the hell up?

I don't usually say anything much about my kids, the usual generalized statements. But when I hear other parents going on about how wonderful their kids are, how great they are at everything, it's so hard to either not say "Yeah, yeah, your kids are better than mine" in my wonderful sarcastic way. Or start expounding my kids accolades as a self-preservation kind of competition. Neither of these choices are acceptable to me.

This "other parent attitude" doesn't always bother me, I can let it roll off on occasion. But sometimes...whew...sometimes...I really want to let it out just to keep their egos in check. Is it my inferiority complex about my kids abilities that annoys me? Or because I keep their accomplishments closer to my chest so I expect others to do the same?

I don't expect my kids to be great at everything they do, and believe me, they aren't. I could tell you stories of Scooter and T-Ball, but you don't care, nor should you. I don't tell my kids they're geniuses either. Smart on occasion, sure, but let's try and keep reality somewhat in check here.

my so called life

Most of my adult life I've felt like this...


... about my body. Even when I was "normal sized" that's how I felt I looked. Now that I actually look like that on the outside I feel like I look like I did when I was normal sized. It's completely insane, I know.

My every thought during the day is a constant hummm of "you're too fat to do that, you're fat, if you eat that it will make you fat, fat fat fat fat fat fat." Remember that Quaker oatmeal commercial where the scale is strapped to the women's legs? (Why are men not subjected to this particular neuroses?) Lemme see if I can find it on YouTube... ...Nope, YouTube failed me! Anyway, it was about these women who were dragging a scale around with them where ever they went, it would bang into stuff and get caught and hang them up when they were walking. I love that commercial, because it's so true. There may not be a physical thing hanging me (lots of people like me) up but mentally? I'm banging that damn scale on everything and dragging it with me wherever I go. It's exhausting.

I've always been amazed at how much time and energy I waste thinking about being fat, what it would be like if I wasn't fat. How much better my life would be. Always. Another running commentary of "if I were thin, that person would like me, if I were thin I could do this or that" My personal favorite is, "If I were thin we would have more money." Apparently in my dream land being thin comes with winning the lottery because I'm quite sure I wouldn't and Paco wouldn't be getting a raise just because I were thin.

The voices in my head are starting to skip a beat now and then. My wonderful sister found this website, and I love what she says in there about living your life because it's here and now and it's passing you by. That really struck home with me because I always feel like I'm waiting for my life to start, you know, once I'm thin. I read another blog about photography and how this lady, who's not thin, noticed she never has any pictures of herself with her kids. Well, one reason is because she's the photographer, but the other was because she doesn't like how she looks. Her point was, the kids? They know what you (I) look like and they love you (me) anyway. So don't miss out on documenting that whole "life" stuff together or there will be big chunks of picture memories the kids won't have in the future.

I've decided to try and stop to stop doing the "If I were thin" game with myself. It's hard to compete with a fantasy. I've started taking more pictures of me with the kids and even though I have to Photoshop out the big zits I have that day and I don't like how I look, they're going to start having documentation that I am indeed part of the fabric of their lives.

So even though I want to look like this...


... the most amazing piece of art ever created. I'll have to be happy looking like this...



...and this...


(ooops! forgot to Photoshop that one!) because that's what I look like and if it's okay for my kids then by god it should be okay for me.

a poet and didn't know it

(to be sung to the tune of
Oh, Tannenbaum)

Insomnia, Insomnia
Oh, why dost thou despise me?
Insomnia, Insomnia
I'd like to sleep past two or three.

Why yes it's true
I should have known
that drinking Coke
my sleep'd be blown

Insomnia It's not so bad
I finally got some quiet.

round three

Here we go with another bout of antibiotics! Weee! Sinusitis is so fun!! No. Not really. I thought for sure the last round I had (all 14 days worth) would have knocked it out. But alas. NO. I am not on yet a different drug for 10 days and if this doesn't work I think I'll just have my head cut off and given to science. Sinus infections shouldn't be that hard to cure, should they?

I was done with my last drug 8 days ago and when I went in this morning one of my ears still had a slight infection, which amazes me since theoretically I should still have some of the previous antibiotic in my system (a low dose, but still!)

Wish me luck!

[I'm ever so grateful that Paco is in the National Guard and we were able to get insurance through them, otherwise. I can't even imagine the hell I'd be going through right now.]

FOUR

My Cutie turned 4 on Sunday! I'm never going to have another three year old... ever! I'm totally okay with that.

Paco had guard drill last weekend so we did something we NEVER do and gave Cutie her presents the day before her birthday. Paco got to see her open them and she didn't have to wait all day on her birthday before she could have them. Plus the one big thing she wanted was a scooter and we wanted to make sure she got to play with it on her birthday– which she didn't actually end up doing. Ah well...

All in all I think it was a good birthday weekend for her. There were presents...


and some more presents...




and some cake...


and the promise of another present that the mean FedEx man didn't bring in time...


and on her birthday Mommy and Gramma took Cutie and siblings to see Up (I highly recommend this one and if you've already seen it? "Squirrel!") which was loved by all.

Next weekend is my birthday, it's amazing how grown ups don't look forward to birthdays quite as much as kids. Heh.